theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
