I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
