He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
