Swine flu. Run for my life!
just tell him i said nine months
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
