The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
