No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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