I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
