So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
