I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
