I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
