What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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