I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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