are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
