i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
