Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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