Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
