Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
