chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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