So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
