I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
