there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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