so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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