at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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