Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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