I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
