this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
