I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
