Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
