I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
