You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
