if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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