literally had 100 drinks last night.
thus making me awesome and them whores
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
