One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
