i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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