I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
