Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
