Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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