get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
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