So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
