Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
