The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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