Banned from zoo.
Again?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
