What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
