Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
