I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Drake has all the answers
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
