I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
