Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
