Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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