I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
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