I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
