i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
