Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
