Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
