I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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